I have to admit it's getting better, getting better all the time

Too. Tired. 

Must. Sleep. and eat an ice cream first.

Someday I'll try to articulate my plan for what to do with my Itsy Bitsy Yoga certification. But that plan keep changing so there's no rush on that. 

Let me say that our voices were heard on Sunday and the facilitator stepped it up and made some changes. Monday we held morning class in the park, which was better than the small room, but not as good for the moms with babies who wanted to just be in the big room and not have to cart all their stuff around.  After that, we've been in the big room ever since. 

That made a big difference for me. I was able to be more comfortable and it made me feel a lot better to at least know that I was heard. 

Then we also finally got to some of the things we were promised- observing a real class with local moms and their babies, acting out a lot of the poses, and getting back to the point.

I realized that she was teaching us the Why and How first, and then later the What. That's fine for some people. But I need to know What she's talking about first, and then I can be more receptive to understanding how it's taught and why it's taught. I work backwards from how she works.  Fundamental issue. 

Another thing I realized is that I was stressing myself out by feeling like I had to take care of others. That's my major role in life as a mother and a coordinator and a teacher. I take care of needs all day, every day. I anticipate problems and try to keep the ball rolling. It takes a lot of work to do this and as a mom, I have no choice. 

But here I had a choice. And what I should have done was to totally tune out. But instead, I kept that energy going bc I couldn't trust that things would be ok if I just let things happen. 

I wanted to know that everyone was doing well all the time. I was very tuned in to the group's energies and concerned about the moms with babies and if they needed help. This was not my role there. I could have been internally focused. But it's like I heard their telepathic cries for help and I had to act on it! I was very focused on environmental factors that might make things better- moving the fans to cool the babies, thinking of the sun's glare and saving the best seats for them, scouting seats at the restaurant when anyone from the group walked in so that they'd see an empty seat and feel welcome. Stuff that I did without thinking about it but then worrying if it didn't go as planned. 

No one asked me to do this. I stressed myself out by being this concerned. At the same time that I finally calmed and stilled this part of myself, they were tired of calming their fussy babies and needed other people's help. So I wasn't off. But I wasn't necessary the way that I perceived it. 

This is just like when we were at the Grand Canyon with friends earlier this summer and I expended so much energy making sure that things were going to go well, not trusting that things would work out if I didn't do anything. And then I had a meltdown bc of the strain and my dear friend told me that my efforts were appreciated and that now I could take a break. Ah. Thank you Julie. That's exactly what I always want to hear.

So that's what I told myself and now I'm still giving each mom one break during the day when they can take a short nap or grab a meal and I play with her baby. But I'm not worrying over them in the meantime. Much better. And any smart person would know that. But I didn't realize that I was permanently switched "on" and that this was a time that I could switch "off". I guess I forgot that times like that existed!!!

Best moment of the day: Had a really nice lunch with two classmates that made me feel respected and a lot more like myself again.

Worst moment of the day: getting to class 3o min late thanks to traffic. fist shake at traffic!

Thoughts of the day:

It's been really nice to take a break from returning phone calls and emails, but I better start chipping away now or I'll have to spend the next few days doing it en-mass, and then I'd miss that time to be totally present with my baby girls.

Also, it looks like the police searched for evidence in my house. Everything is disheveled, there are broken things and drawings and various kid debris all over the floor. Basic cleaning hasn't happened since Friday (at the earliest) and surfaces are sticky.  And my new sofas have mystery food stuck on them again.  GRRRRRRRRRR.