I went around and around with myself, trying to get my priorities in order, trying to fit things against realistic deadlines, and trying to find ways to let go of something so that I could get something else finished and off my plate. In the end, I just wasted a lot of mental energy and didn't release my stress. It's ALL important to me. It's ALL necessary. And it's ALL happening RIGHT NOW.
The good news is that the fundraiser will be over on Feb. 13th so the end is in sight. In the meantime, I wrote down my goals and that's all I'm going to try to do. All other possibilities about what I COULD do are just going to have go away. I'm only going to do what I can, and that's what's on this list. No more.
The other good news is that I'm almost done with the grants for the preschool garden and I should have them in on time if I stick to my schedule. I just need to stick to my schedule.
The bad news is that I am not getting my work done for work. I only had time to work a small fraction of what I should these past 2 weeks. And my work is piling up. I need to carve more time for myself to work but that's not my priority right now. I'm going to try to get other things out of the way this week and make time for work again next week. I feel bad about it but with having one of our cars break and then having everyone sick, it's just what happened. Plus I was busy working on the campaign.
Which brings me to my last point- the campaign. I've been keeping tabs with Jeremiah, pushing and cheering him to accomplish what he says he will and doing some things for the campaign since I know he's doing a lot already and he's very busy with work right now. But all this energy and time was taking away from other things that I had going on and was stressing me out.
I hit my breaking point on Saturday morning when I was helping Jeremiah get ready to go door to door and then squeezed in time to get myself ready to go to work. He then decided that he didn't have enough time to go anyhow and I got super duper stressed bc I had just sacrificed my time to give him time and it was all for nothing. The kids started pulling on me wanting to do a computer game while I was trying to print something for work, running late and unprepared. It was all too much and I snapped, yelling "Stop It!" like a crazy person. Jeremiah ran in and took the kids away quickly and I calmed myself down and checked out. I was so spent, mentally and emotionally, after that.
I almost never yell at the kids. What I consider yelling at them probably isn't even what a lot of people would call yelling. So for me to do this was really scary for them and I felt bad. I was so sad and drained all day after that.
Luckily, Jeremiah took the girls to a birthday party and I was able to collect myself back together after work, get some things done on my to-do list, and work on de-stressing. Jessie, my sage, advised me that in our family, only one of us can campaign. It doesn't work for us both to do it- it's not possible. She's right. I need to leave the campaign world to him so that I can be the support crew at home. I can't be managing the campaign; I can't be worried about everything; I can't feel personally responsible for the outcome of the fundraiser, the campaign, and the election. I just can't. He can't either. But finding campaign staff to help him with all that is his responsibility, not mine. This was his choice, and I only chose to support him. I'm to be political by proxy. It's the only way to keep this whole boat afloat.
(by the way, I had a talk with the girls when I saw them that night about why mommy yelled. Jillian guessed that it was because daddy said the wrong things. I corrected her that it was because mommy needed to relax- it was nothing that anyone did wrong. I hope to never give them a memory like that again.)
Best Moment of the Weekend: I went to my Book Club today and it was delightful. I stayed afterwards and helped my friends caulk their basement for a little while. Reading, talking, eating, working. These are things that I enjoy. I got to be me- happy me- again. Must. Keep.
Worst Moment of the Weekend: I think I covered that in this post and the last one!
Thoughts Lately: Well, obviously I've been doing a lot of introspection and prioritizing and planning. But I've also started some new reading. Last weekend I asked my facebook friends to recommend a book to me. A random selection of people that I've ever known responded and I put a lot of their suggestions on hold at the library. Friday I picked up 3 of their suggestions and dug in.
1) "The Host" by the author of the Twilight books, which I really liked. This is a book on CD in the car and I'm liking the premise so far but it's really juvenile writing, which may be intentional. I think her audience is primarily still in high school.
2) "In the Time of Butterflies" by Julia Alvarez. I like this book but the jacket cover warns that it's based on true accounts that include torture and several sisters getting killed. So I have that to look forward to. : (
3) "Infidel" by I forget who, but it looks like a really great autobiography about a powerful woman world leader in the Middle East who people want to kill. I'm sure once I read it I'll never forget her name.
Anyhow, I think this is a great random selection and I wonder if when I'm done reading my facebook friends' suggestions, if I'll see pieces of my past selves float together. Already these books are making me think of my early college days, fired up about Amnesty International and imagining myself as a freedom fighter protester bringing political crimes to the public eye and seeing justice served. (except for the book by the twilight lady. I'm not sure where that fits in yet)
Oh sweetie! Don't feel bad about snapping! I think it's pretty normal for it to happen from time to time (and if this was basically the first time it happened, you are doing well!) They probably won't even remember it, and if they do, that's OK---they've seen another dimension to you, and they will have the knowledge that grown-ups sometimes have their limits too. I have yelled at H a few times and have felt terrible afterwards every time. It was always during a period of him being sick plus me being sick and sleep-deprived---and after hours of unrelenting whining, you sometimes just lose it. It happens. He seems to still love me, so I think I'm OK.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many demands on your time---I think Jessie is wise to suggest that the campaigning/fundraising falls on Jeremiah's shoulders, not yours. You can't truly be there for him or for your family if you don't put limits on the number of things you do, and remember to take care of yourself. Sounds like intimate bikini waxes are a step in the right direction:) Big hugs:)