I didn't tell the kids that she died or that I was going to a funeral. But later at dinner, J. asked me "where is your mommy that had you when you were a little girl?" She's heard of this from the pictures that we have in the house but I never told her anything more.
I said "she's gone. she was here when I was a baby, a little girl, a teenage, and in college. and then she died."
And at that, J. burst into tears. C. just watched, unable to comprehend the meaning of death.
I quickly started to tell J. things like "she might be gone but she still loves me." and "I will not die when you grow up. I will still be here. You know that sometimes mommy goes away but mommy ALWAYS comes back!"
She was crying such sad little quiet tears. It broke my heart to have to see her reaction.
Her eyes got wide and she asked "will you still be here when I'm a mommy?" and I told her that yes, definitely, and I would always be with her and always come back and one day I will be the grandma to her family. She let that sink in.
Then she asked "where did she go when she died?" and I told her "we had a funeral" (then had to explain what that was) and then "her body is buried at the cemetery".
She tearfully asked, "why is it buried?" and I said "so it can turn back to soil." and then she started to cry even harder. Poor thing. So she asked "why do we turn into soil?" though she knows the answer to that question in terms of plants and compost and other animals. So I once again explained how our food comes from the earth and our body's made from our food and when we die, we bury it so it can go back into the earth again.
She said, "so when we eat food, it comes from dead people?" which she already knew wasn't the whole story there but I explained it again. This time I said that the earth might use the nutrients from the earth to grow a tree and we don't eat trees do we? So she said "but trees give us fruit and we eat fruit. so we are eating nutrients from dead things." Touche. I'm amazed that she finished her dinner after that one but I guess it wasn't news to her, she just needed to rehear it.
and then her tears continued and so I scooped her up and rocked her on my lap. C. asked, "why is J. crying?" and I asked her to explain. She told C. "mommy's mommy died and that story makes me sad. I'm crying because I'm sad." Oh, it broke my heart some more.
I kept reassuring them that I would never leave and would always be there. I just can't stand any more honesty.
Explaining death to kids is really rough. When Jay's grandfather decided to have his feeding tube removed, we knew he was going to die soon. We visited him a few times in the hospital, but he could speak and he was in so much pain. It was hard to see him that way. We took the kids to the funeral because we felt it was important for them to be there and see it all. Sam was too little (only just over a year old) and Joe was 5 and Tom was 3. It was very tough to explain death to them and what happens after someone dies. It was the first death that they were old enough to remember. It was also the first time they'd seen their dad cry. As a parent it is so hard to go through, but it's nice in a way to know that Jillian is a sensative caring child. Hugs to you as I've been sorta there and know how hard it is.
ReplyDeleteYes, you will always be there for her. Just as we know that the people who have left on Earth always find a way to come back to us. She is so lucky to have you as a mommy. ((Hugs)). xoxo
ReplyDeleteWow. That's some heavy stuff. J is a very sophisticated little girl to have put so much of that information together. And she is so sensitive! What a gift! But also, very tough for you, to watch her struggle through trying to make sense of it all. Sounds like you did a wonderful job explaining, as emotionally-draining as it must have been.
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